Tomorrow is my birthday!! I can’t believe I’ve been around for 45 years. It’s weird, because I don’t feel 45. Not mentally anyway. My body has no qualms reminding me that it is indeed 45 years old. And as I like to do since starting this blog, I want to reflect on the past year, focusing on the past six months.

Birthdays have often been difficult for me. I don’t celebrate my birthday for the most part. Usually because I don’t have the finances due to some random expense I wasn’t expecting. And every time I plan something it does not go as I wish. Birthdays work out better when I don’t plan anything for them.

This past year has seen some changes and challenges. I posted to this blog on a weekly basis for the first quarter – win for me. But I felt rather aimless this quarter and lost sight of my reason for blogging, so it’s been a dumpster fire around here. I was so stressed out I couldn’t think past my problems, much less write. Now that decisions have been made, I feel better. I’ll share more once it’s all over, but I can say that letting go freed me. I have moved past some emotional hurdles, so I can share more of my thoughts in the upcoming third quarter.

Stress was also a factor in my lack of discipline regarding my health. My trainers would be disappointed that I regained all the weight I lost last year. I’m working on that, using the tools they’ve taught me. I’ve lost people I knew. A few passed away, but I can say that I withdrew from the world at large. No one did do anything wrong, I just stopped trying. I’m determining if some of those relationships were for a season or not.

I launched a product. I’ve had the product for a couple of months, but I was afraid to release it. I feared people judging it. I also feared its failure. Then I realized that people have their own things going on and I wasn’t Jesus, so I could calm down. If my product fails, then I can just tweak it and relaunch. Or just create something different. This isn’t even going to be my only product, so why build it up as if my life depended on it?

God freed me from those stresses, to use my creative mind. I got so desperate to catch up with other people’s highlight reels that I stopped being myself. My success is my success. Their success is theirs. The people I was focusing on aren’t even serving the same people, making this internal competition even more stupid.

Good things did happen, I promise. I met a phenomenal, well known public speaker in a workshop I may not have attended without a small push. I advocate more for myself and my youngest son. There were waist beads. And not just the one I made for my birthday last year. They’re fun and colorful and I feel more connected to my roots and my womanhood when I make and wear them. I’ve met new people. I created shirt and glass designs. There has been balance.

So here is what I learned in handy list form:

1. It is even more important to take care of my body. I only get one and there’s no joy in popping a hip trying to be cute.
2. Problems are only as big as you think they are. God is bigger.
3. Relationships are like plants. They all have different needs, but they all need nurturing.
4. Too much stress is harmful mentally, physically and emotionally. It also affects the people around you, because you’re a terror.
5. Planning makes creativity easier.
6. Failure happens on small and large scales all the time. Dust yourself off, learn, then keep going.

Chapter 44 was a learning year made more difficult by my own interference. We all need to get out of our own way, no matter what that looks like for each of us. I expect to learn in Chapter 45 too, but with more wisdom on my part. I’m doing new things in this upcoming birthday year. I can’t wait to take you with me.

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